Taking Charge To Make Sure Everything Works
Directive Love is a conditional form of personality love on the Intellectual level. It operates on the premise that to offer security to others is the best way to obtain security for oneself. At the core of this desire is the belief that others must perceive us as powerful and secure, with a degree of esteem for our capacity to make an impact on them. Thus, the more others perceive our value, the easier it is for us to assert our contribution the way we wish to make it. Directive Love becomes a way of proving we know better than others and they need us more than we need them. In Directive Love, we use our partnerâ€™s desire to support us to enlist them in fulfilling our agenda, promising them that mutually working together will likely increase their success. Ironically, our use of their desires reinforces the notion that desire may not be enough, particularly when things do not work out. Embracing desires the way we do overemphasizes our Intellectual and emotional perspectives, making it difficult to mutually create together.
The more we practice Directive Love, the more we end up denying our own personal truth. We get lost when we define ourselves in terms of others. We vacillate between isolating independence and adaptive co-dependence, falsely believing that our perspective is the only true solution for the problems we are addressing. This habit of defining everything in terms of how it affects us can become irritating to others because they not only have to make choices based on their own needs, but must take our needs into account as well. Directive Love is an effort because inherently we need to be able to anticipate not only our own issues but the issues of everyone around us. It is seen as the cost of being successful by unconscious individuals. The more we are exclusive, the more we miss the fact that it takes shared Wisdom to succeed. Through the intense identification with our own Thoughts and/or Emotions, we consider that any discounting or denial of our experience is in fact an attack upon us. When this occurs, we feel the need to position ourselves so others cannot gain leverage over us or change our minds.
At the core of Directive Love is the inability to accept our own truth and allow it to coexist with the truths of others without the need to compromise. Since it takes both Emotions and Thoughts working together to reflect and own our truth, any denial of one for the other creates an imbalance that get acted out in a defensive manner. We can validate inner uncertainty when we underdo, then overdo either our Thoughts or Emotions, and are unable to see our internal inconsistencies. Whenever one of these patterns is used to subvert the other, the process is called Subjectification. In effect, we are over-attached to one point of view (although it could be subconsciously changing), and use that perspective to declare what we want, without any form of internal balance. As a result, Directive Love always creates an impact on those it affects, and they are expected to conform to our way of thinking as a result of our declaration. The irony is that we come to believe that fixed personality perspectives (called false certainties) are an indication of strength rather than an internal disconnection that reflects a lack of understanding or consideration.
Directive Love occurs when someone accepts our truth as their own (without personal discrimination) as a way of affirming their love for us. Both partners (the subjector who defines the truth and the â€˜subjecteeâ€™ who accepts the otherâ€™s truth) base their relationship on a defensive position that may or may not be true. The subjector loves the false certainty they feel because their partner is following their stated truth. The subjectee loves the fact that their partner is stepping forth to make things apparently easier for them. Ironically, most directive statements are not based on a complete perspective; the subjector seeks confirmation because they sense the underlying uncertainty. Without the integration of emotions with thoughts, Directive Love uses one or the other to subjugate partners. The more the subjectees reflect the opposing perspective, the more fear the subjector experiences. This is called a negative feedback loop that the subjectee learns to avoid in order to maintain the connection. Directive Love, therefore, attempts to convey and affirm a false sense of security that everything will be okay.
Directive Love Enhances Illusions
Only by accepting our Emotions and Thoughts (where our Truth is experienced moment to moment) do we begin to see the illusions created by Directive Love. The more positional we become about our truth, the more likely we will attract individuals who complement our positions and amplify our illusions. The core illusion is that our partial truth is the whole or complete truth. Another element in illusion is the false certainty that we are seeing our issues completely, when in fact, any denial of an emotion or thought leaves gaping holes in our perception. Part of the problem is how we project these gaping holes on our partners, which provides the illusion that in order not to hurt them, we should not talk about the true issues. The way to heal this is to not ever believe our truth is complete and that it is always in a state of evolution and development. This means it is open to the comments and support of others. We need to realize that any requirement for someone to believe us, or our desire to protect or be directive with others, is a reflection of our own fear of not knowing the complete truth.
Unifying our Thoughts and Emotions heals the tension that causes the need to pretend false certainty (to get others to listen to us). Emotions are the underlying juice and power that brings our Thoughts into manifestation. Thoughts are the structure or content that forms a picture or way of doing something. To be complete and whole in our self-knowing requires that we appreciate the usefulness of our Emotions in organizing and bringing together our Thoughts into a holistic framework. With Directive Love, we adopt either an emotional or intellectual position, believing in its ability (alone) to dominate the other side of the equation. For example, individuals with a strong emotional basis of knowing (Interpersonal, Harmonic and Self Referencing Intelligences) would attempt to use their Emotions to overshadow the structures or details of what is occurring. Conversely, individuals who are strong thinkers (Intrapersonal, Body Wisdom and Concrete Knowing Intelligences) would prevail in creating elaborate structures that minimize the influence of emotional turmoil.
It is interesting to note that, without a balance between our Emotions and Thoughts, Illusion steps into the situation. We believe our partial truth to be the complete and whole truth. We posses no tolerance for anyone either disagreeing with us or attempting to modify what we have established to be our baseline. It is as if we are using our Thoughts to metaphorically establish our territory, which we then defend to the death if challenged. The more out of balance we become between our Thoughts and Emotions, the more dull, dark and confused we are. Our positions grow more rigid through time, and we become less flexible in reexamining our Thoughts to see if they match our current experiences. Beliefs arise when we get tired of reexamining our experience moment to moment. Beliefs are default assumptions based on previous perceptions that we continue to apply in the current moment. One major problem is that when we get caught up in beliefs and the world changes around us, we do not change with it. Over time we become imprisoned by beliefs that are out of sync with the Universe, making our ability to contribute more difficult. This means that Directive Love becomes progressively dogmatic and (for that reason) appears more autocratic.
Individuals doing Directive Love need partners who are submissive and willing to go along. If anyone wakes up and begins to have their own Thoughts, it is a direct affront to the person directing the process. This fixed, focused and uniform commitment to follow a plan is why we consider Directive Love a masculine expression. Compared to Protective Love (which is more feminine), Directive Love is an outer declaration of an intellectual or emotional fixation that finds it difficult to adjust to new circumstances. Over time, many relationships develop complimentary areas where they can be directive with each other. For example, traditionally a man has been directive about family finances, while the woman is directive around household activities. We can always identify Directive Love when there is an intolerance or inability to listen to and respond to new possibilities. Directive Love requires a certain obedience and acknowledgement that the director is in charge.
The larger issue of Directive Love is that it operates from the perspective that Love is power and power is knowledge. This illusion of outer control arises from the personality notion that we need to guarantee a sense of security to be successful. Without control, we are hopeless and helpless, especially regarding our future. While Directive Love is the predominant way we attempt to manifest a state of outer power over others, all forms of conditional love use information about what others need as a way to increase our own sense of power. Directive Love (where we believe that asserting effort by taking charge of others conveys our love to them) is the most masculine form of Conditional Love. The feminine form of Conditional Love, Protective Love (believing that watching over or caretaking others indicates a loving act) was covered in the previous section. Where the two conditional forms of love come together is in Quid Pro Quo Love (exchanging needs as a way to represent a loving commitment), which represents the balancing of safety and security with our partners. Each reflects a desire to provide something we perceive others need in order to build the value of our personality.
The notion that we know better or more than others is both an Illusion and a Glamour. It is an Illusion when we are out of balance between our intellectual and emotional states of being, and cannot be holistic or unified in our thinking. It is a Glamour when we get caught up in associating success with othersâ€™ possessions or behaviors and therefore try to be like them. Each of these reflects the personality desire for power over others in order to increase our own security. Until we examine whether we actually need preemptive control of others to feel secure, we are caught up in the Illusion and Glamour of power. Notice the degree that you define yourself in terms of what you can do versus what others could contribute to you. Notice how you compare the power of your thinking and/or emotions (passion) to others with whom you are interacting. This unconscious drive for control indicates we are attempting to centralize our personality development by understanding our natural boundaries versus those of others. The more we try to subvert the free will of the people around us into our personal domain, the more we have an Illusion of power without its actuality.
While most do not have a problem figuring out what their partner needs and preemptively providing it, if we do this to build up our ego, it is setting us up for future disaster. When we identify with fear and the need for security it attracts lessons where we discover the downside of holding on to defensive preconceptions. The more we build structures to differentiate and distance ourselves from others, the more our insecurity increases. More intellectual or emotional control over our partner is not the answer to our lack of security. The antidote is to discover and affirm our own truth, and accept the power of our knowing, without involving anyone else. In effect, we need to quit defining ourselves in terms of others, or comparing ourselves to become more self-secure. The key is to create conscious agreements that reflect authentic choices on how and where to engage. This only occurs when each party commands their own autonomy by honoring their truth.
How Much Do We Do Directive Love
The indicators of Directive Love are Intensity, Conceit, Vanity, Competition, Defensiveness, Revenge and the inability to let go of proving yourself right. Intensity is the shared ingredient, because any divergence of thought is perceived as a threat that must be eliminated. Intensity increases with large differences in Defenses, WorldView and types of Intelligence. The greater our arrogance and self-conceit about what we (think we) know, the more likely we will overlook mitigating factors and instead get fixated in retelling amped-up stories about our perceived power. Our ego-driven perceptions keep us sensitive to how we are perceived, driving us to shape our image to prevent others getting leverage over us. Through competition (a reflection of co-dependent and incomplete truths) we struggle to find a middle ground that will prevail. We do not even realize that competition reflects the acceptance (or lack thereof) of our own Thoughts and Emotions. Only when we realize that no one can impact our Thoughts (but us) do we begin to shape them to fit our particular circumstances. Directive Love increases the energy and agitation of our thinking, keeping us from being present with our Thoughts.
Directive Love increases defenses and builds walls when we attempt to force our ideas upon others. When others naturally react, we make believe it is actually all their issue or problem because they are the ones who are reacting. While their reactions indicate their incompleteness, we push to make the impact more pronounced because we want them to consider our truth over their own. When we are attacked, we use our defensiveness to either withdraw, fight or flee, depending on which will leverage our long-term opportunities. We also believe we need to get revenge for every perceived infraction, or it will motivate others to continue to test us. Ultimately, Directive Love operates from the premise that if we do not go the extra mile and demonstrate we are not to be trifled with, it is likely that we will invite others to take advantage of us. Therefore, Directive Love is a preemptive power struggle designed to intimidate others.
Creating security (for others) is only one side of the Directive Love process. We need to also create a sense of security for ourselves by identifying how our partner can complement us and make it easier (for us) to be successful. This means we choose partners with opposite Compatibility Factors that can fill in the places where we are weak by being strong. In return, we make sure they know how our strength can make them successful as well. Having opposite compatibility factors promotes a false sense of security, because it appears we have covered all the angles. The problem is that with so many differences, it becomes hard to be appreciated for who we are. The more we are not seen, and the more isolated we feel from each other, we end up unconsciously amplifying the differences in ways that become progressively self-destructive. The alternative is to find ways to prove we do not actually need our partner as much as we imagined. The challenge in this type of co-dependent relationship is that we fear trying to do it on our own, yet despise giving our partner credit for the success we believe we are generating. As long as we make progress in our goals together, the relationship continues to function. As soon as one partner or the other seeks Mutual Growth or is upset or angry about the distribution of effort, the relationship starts to falter.
Directive Love requires that we become performers, each partner specializing in a particular part of the contribution. Behind Directive Love is the notion that some people are better at things than others. While we do agree that each person has a unique combination of Intelligences (three out of seven possible), it is also true that we can get caught up in ways of trying to prove we know something, when in fact we do not. This is the result of defensive differences where, by denying a part of ourselves, we end up over-compensating in a way that gets us in trouble. Intelligence is not only dependent on our development, but is limited by our positions and inadvertently becomes compromised when we have incongruent motives. With Directive Love, we offset these uncertainties with the perception that decisive action is better than inaction. One of the underlying fears is that if we never commit ourselves, we will never accomplish anything. In the world of Directive Love, it is a necessity to take action unilaterally, fully believing that whatever is being proposed is an effective solution for everyone involved.
The source of Directive Love is not being listened to as a child. The more repressed we were (where our family did not honor our opinions or take us into account in decision-making processes), the more we struggle to regain a sense of power by making others conform to us. We feel driven to prove that our own truth is superior to the degree that it was not initially accepted in our upbringing. As stated previously, when we do not know how to accept our truth, we either overstate it or understate it, which both confuses and frustrates us. We become more arbitrary, dogmatic and unilateral in our determination of what we are willing to do and when we are willing to do it. We see competition as an opportunity to refine and clarify what works. We falsely believe that intensity is a positive indication of our willingness and the willingness of others to make an effort to resolve the issue. The actual experience is likely to be the opposite, because we are determined to make others (eventually) accept our perceptions as real.
Directive Love is usually provided by one partner, who initially provides the security umbrella. Over time, partners carve out their own territory and become more determined to not be at the effect of their partnerâ€™s declarations. This can lead to unrelenting power struggles where neither wants to acknowledge the otherâ€™s strengths. Ultimately, either one person becomes the accepted dominant one, or an escalation process arises that eventually destroys the relationship. In this situation, both partners attempt to prove they are more capable of accomplishing things, which most of the time results in a divorce. It is important to recognize that while Directive Love can be effective in producing a false sense of security (because results are being produced), it is also inherently dissatisfying, because each person is operating independently. We are missing the understanding, cooperation and sense of forgiveness of oneself for needing to prove our love in the extreme forms described above.
Truth is the antidote to Directive Love. Being able to see and acknowledge our Truth awakens a light within us, and we become a resource for those around us. This occurs when we are able to honor the Truth of others equally with our own, without getting into any compromises, arguments or polarities. We see mutual truth-building as an extension of our own Truth, where cooperation and Wisdom prevail. The key is to be able to step into a space of Wisdom rather than knowledge. Wisdom operates when we can accept our Truth and the Truth of others equally. It is also greatly enhanced when we are balanced between our inner masculine and feminine perspectives (known as intellectual and emotional frameworks). The more we embrace our own Truth, the less we feel compelled to accept the beliefs of others in society. Instead, we feel capable of redefining our experiences based on our own inner knowing. The ability to validate our own experience dramatically reduces any tendencies to lose our self in Illusion. Instead, we become empowered to see our Illusions by looking at our process from opposite angles and comparing them. For example, we could compare the inside-out perspective of a situation with the outside-in perspective. This process of being able to adopt othersâ€™ perspectives as easily as our own supports us in becoming more fluid in the understanding of ourselves and others (and less positional).
How much are you investing in directing others and yourself? The degree to which you deny your own Thoughts or limit your expression of Emotions, is the same degree you inadvertently deny your inner light or Wisdom. By denying your Light you are, in effect, denying your own Truth, which means you need the truth of your partner as a substitute. This is a state of co-dependence, where we get trapped in our need for success, and do not believe we can manifest it alone. Co-dependence is where we look for partners to fulfill the things we have either denied, discounted, or feel are weak within us. The weaker we feel, the more we look for individuals who complement us in a way that will guarantee our success. We imagine that being with this partner will lead to growth in our areas of weakness because they will teach us what they know. In actuality, the reverse is true. Since they believe their leverage over us will diminish the more they teach us, they have every incentive not to empower us to replace them.
Another aspect is that we may not want to become good at the things we have previously denied about ourselves, therefore become irritated when we (have to) engage these areas of contribution. The strength and innocence of our partner around our areas of weakness is what convinces us that we should engage this process. We do not understand that being with individuals who have opposite compatibility factors is painful, in that we are not going to be accepted or appreciated for who we are and how much value we can produce. In effect, we are thrown into a situation where we have to constantly prove our value, and we fear it is never enough. In this situation, concentration and self-discipline usually come to the fore to assist us in activating the skills necessary to persevere despite the adversity. With some measure of success, we begin to reevaluate the cost of the relationship. We realize that revenge, or proving others wrong about what they think about us is not an ecological motivation for our future. Instead, it is a poisonous, self-fulfilling ego structure that can never be satisfied.
Learning how to take ownership for our Thoughts and Emotions is itself an opportunity to experience our Truth. Since Emotions help us to maintain a continuity of experience, they can be a stabilizing context for organizing our Thoughts. Since Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations are actually bioelectric fields, we become more cognizant of how to weave together the various energies to fulfill different life outcomes. The question becomes, â€˜Who is the â€˜Iâ€™ we are referencing when we are in various energetic states?â€™ It becomes apparent that we are referencing, in many cases, the attributes of our personality survival and success mechanism which have assisted us in our development to this point. As we endeavor to become conscious, the question becomes â€˜To whom, what, and where do I serve?â€™ Only by examining where we contribute do we actually build a transpersonal perspective of ourselves. In this way, our creative nature is given a voice that eventually unifies and organizes our personality at its behest.
We discover that trying to take credit for ideas is itself an illusion, because ideas, Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations are readily exchanged or transmitted in different situations. Unifying and centralizing is the first order of the day. This enables us to break down and absorb disassociated personality elements. We begin to coordinate our Thoughts and Emotions, along with our Feelings and Sensations. Afterwards, we start to integrate our body and mental processes, and take responsibility for centralizing our motivations. When this is accomplished, we are no longer attached to who we know our Self to be, because we realize we are always in a space of evolution and development. Some of us even see changes day to day in how we skillfully express our Truth harmlessly with others. This ability to Self-reflect is what encourages us to no longer be directive of others. We understand that being directive on an intellectual/emotional level only produces equal and opposite reactions. Instead, we learn to pause, reflect and incorporate other points of view so everyone is included in our process, not only by our invitation, but by conscious assent.
We (come to) realize that ideas are merely one part of our personality process. We become conscious of how our body awareness and motivational structure need to be integrated, or we will produce reactions in others that frustrate us. We begin to understand how mutual alignment and co-authorship of ideas not only empowers the ideas to go out into the world easily and with more effectiveness, but that we can remain open and available for guidance and adjustment of these ideas, which is a much more creative and fun process. Imagine others being aligned with you in the mutual fulfillment of a larger manifestation in the world. Instead of fixating on which ideas would be the way to do this, imagine becoming a shaper of ideas and unifier of the thought processes behind this process. Consider how different forms of Intelligence can actually contribute to the larger outcome we intend. None of this can happen if we are not present with our Thoughts and use them as tools of expression, rather than being identified and defined by them. Let us heal any remaining attachments so we can learn to move ideas forward and feel fulfilled.
Directive Love can be identified by the following:
1) Do you believe there is a singular truth that others should accept about you?
2) Are you open to counter-suggestions or requests to have your perspective externally validated?
3) To what degree do you need to be right and have your view validated by your partner?
4) Do you experience intensity, demeaning competition or envy with others?
5) How often are you upset when others ignore, discount or demean your perspective, opinion or contribution?