First Cause Of Co-Dependence
The first cause of Co-Dependence is the misunderstanding between masculine and feminine expressions. What creates Co-dependence is the false belief that we are either masculine or feminine (usually based upon a small subset of Gender Identity differences). We are all actually on a continuum of masculine and feminine intelligences and characteristics that are more inclusive than we imagine. An inability to embrace creative opposites (and own the larger picture) encourages Co-Dependence when we choose opposite attraction partners. In this way, we do not need to grow, particularly if our partner will take care of us (from their point of view) and they agree (in return) to accept our support. This is amplified to the degree we are repulsed by opposite points of view. The more Co-Dependent we are, the more we end up feeling trapped in gender warfare. The problem is we need the qualities of our opposite-gender partner in our life to promote greater self-acceptance. The Repulsion pushes us away, yet our fear of being alone pulls us closer.
In Higher Alignment, we make a distinction about who we are creatively by naming three kinds of creativity (Primary, Secondary, Mental Body) with one of seven different qualities at each level. These qualities are a full spectrum of masculine to feminine expressions, starting with Implementers (the most masculine), Orchestrators, Investigators, Storytellers (a balance of masculine and feminine), Visionaries, Compassionates and Inventors (the most feminine). While our parental Imprinting may confuse us as to our full spectrum of masculine-feminine embodiment, we each have a natural way of expressing ourselves. Of course, by assuming particular defensive patterns, we can deny our creativity by fixating on how we protect ourselves. The three basic Defense Patterns (protection) are Dynamic (masculine), Disarming (feminine) and Distant (Role-Playing as a nurturer or provider). Sometimes, our Defensive Pattern covers up or confuses our natural masculine and feminine balance.
The more we are Co-Dependent, the more we choose opposite defense style individuals and seek out partners who complement our creative qualities rather than choosing partners with our same creative qualities. This promotes relationships where we unconsciously choose a partner based on Co-Dependent parental patterns. The more our partners reflect opposite attractions, the more we believe we need them to create our Safety and Security. The more we are confused in our masculine and feminine balance, the less certain we are about the kind of partner that would be appropriate for us. This lack of certainty drives us to count on those who want to support us (a Co-Dependent pattern). Initially, this creates a self-admiration society where we imagine how we can contribute to our partner. We create an image of how we will regain our wholeness by being their partner. We avoid taking inventory of our own Strengths and Weaknesses. We do not look for a way to use our Strengths to minimize our Weaknesses. When we eventually take responsibility for our own lessons, it frees us from the urge to compromise ourselves for our partners.
Many of us get caught in Co-Dependent patterns because we do not know there is an alternative. We grow up having Co-Dependency modeled as a normal way of operating. This conditioning makes us doubtful that others will respond to or see us. The fragmentation of our personality (where we get caught in positions about our degree of masculine and feminine) cause separation, denial and doubt. In this confused framework, the opposite also occurs: If someone expresses an ability to see us and respond to our needs, we immediately think they must love us. This is because we have been conditioned to believe in idealized scarcity. This causes vacillation between all or and nothing, or in this case, masculine or feminine. Some would say we do not understand the difference between a masculine or feminine approach. Masculine is a direct, time-based expression of Mastery that focuses on task management. The masculine energy is singular and action-oriented. Feminine is an open-ended evocation of larger possibilities using Mystery and Paradox. Our feminine is inclusive, spacious and integrates everything. Owning each side is a prerequisite to being able to unify our masculine and feminine.
When we take an inventory and can place ourselves in terms of the mix of our Masculine and Feminine, it challenges Self perceptions and past beliefs about what makes us strong or weak. It is this regeneration of our sense of Self as a whole person that lifts us out of defensive preconceptions where we are defined in terms of others. It is not until we resolve our inner masculine and feminine conflicts and affirm our Creative Nature that we have a sense of Integrity and conscience that is transformative. It is the unity of our masculine and feminine, where we consider ourselves whole and complete, that helps us go beyond Co-Dependence. This is called rebuilding a sense of Self, because we take all of our elements, capabilities and talents and forge them into who we want to be. For many of us, it is simply called growing up.