The Source Of Needing To Be Important
Idealization is the glorification of the Personality Defense Style. Idealization helps us to confront the limitations of our Defenses and points out what is being lost when we participate in the Defense. It is interesting that it is Idealization that forces us to confront that Defenses donâ€™t work because it is Idealization, which completely distorts our desire. Until we confront the misplaced desires of Defenses, we canâ€™t see that we are attracting the very attacks that we are trying to prevent. It is all about comparisons where we end up being envious when others have something we do not. When we seek attention for our gifts, we tend to show off, so we can bask in our own self-importance. The more out of balance we become with our environment, the more we stand out, which is what makes us targets. The pressure to conform crushes some, while others become so self-adoring and self-satisfied, their humility gets lost in the hubris. Celebrities experience Idealization a lot. They seek attention, admiration or adoration falsely believing it will enhance their wellbeing. Idealization always focuses on something that is not real in our hearts. In this way, it is mostly a fantasy about how we would like our world to be. People caught in Idealization always talk about how things â€˜shouldâ€™ be.
Idealizers equate more opportunities with better results, which is rarely true. It is the glorification of larger and bigger outcomes, believing they are the answer when simple, heartfelt solutions are more commonly the best path. Idealization places full attention on the result, not the process. Putting the cart before the horse causes this out of balance and emotionally distanced approach. In this case, we are projecting our fantasies on the outcome, not realizing that is the attraction of our hearts that creates the solution. It is the result of becoming too identified with our internal â€˜Iâ€™ voice, which increases the illusion of separativeness. We seek external affirmation of our importance as a way to justify the neediness we feel. Some people equate narcissism with Idealization. HA thinks that narcissism is the result of Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization together. Since it is not politically correct to be needy, the whole process gets hidden behind making the people we relate to movers and shakers with us. We believe if we Idealize others they will Idealize us back. This is a superficial faÃ§ade, when we believe self Idealization attracts the best people to us. It actually attracts the most internally compromised!
Idealization is a distorted implementation where ideals become compromised without realizing it. Biases and projections creep into our decision-making, emphasizing our differences versus our similarities. When we talk about how we should be, we are entering the world of Idealization by denying our current reality. It is about not being present to our internal commitments. Instead, we look for easy ways to express our Intent (by fixing others) that get us into trouble. Idealization is an attachment to Content without recognizing all the peripheral effects that changes bring. It would be better to have a general placeholder or sense of direction that is open and flexible, than have a fixed goal that jams us up when things change. Idealization is the limitation of our ideals. It is great to have ideals because they help us improve ourselves and our lives. Idealization is particularly a problem when we attempt to get others to live up to our ideals in an inappropriate or unwelcome manner (for them).
Ideals build the capacity to see higher possibilities or outcomes. Ideals are manifestations of natural Goodness. When we use ideals to measure our progress or critique the progress of others, this is when Ideals become judgments that deny our connection to our goals. Simply stated, when we critique our ideals, we are idealizing ourselves (or others). The act of measurement makes us the arbiter of what is good, not just our good, but what must be good for others. Who are we to impose our ideals upon others? Everyone has their own value system based on what they contribute. We either unconsciously associate ourselves with â€˜goodâ€™ and project â€˜badnessâ€™, or we accept our own badness and project â€˜goodnessâ€™ on others. This is the result of our projections of Goodness on others. This separation leads to us vs. them. We either see our selves as superior and others as inferior or ourselves as inferior and others as superior. We validate this by the degree we build up people in our perceptions, only to tear them down when we do not later see them as perfect. This distortion denies the goodness of having ideals. Ideals are useful because they assist us in calibrating to our creative path. They guide and facilitate us in getting into creative flow or alignment with others. The moment we step over the threshold and try to impose our Ideals upon others, the more we will be caught and not able to move forward. Our Advanced Defensive Healing course is the way we re-orient ourselves to a balanced path.
Idealization Prevents True Goodness
Idealization hides pockets of self-denial and compromise by allowing us to focus on others in the name of Goodness (and not being selfish). Idealization covers up the inability to love ourselves on the feminine side by acting hypocritical, denying ourselves (self abnegation), or judging others. When we deny loving our feminine side, we demonstrate doubt and resentment and adopt the anxiety of others as our own. On the masculine side, denial of love makes us operate as a bigot, engaging in self-destructive behaviors or adopting the persona that we are certain of our reality even when we are not. Manifestations of this imbalance and denial show up as feint-heartedness (where we do not have any passion), despair, and the need to control our anxiety and the anxiety of others. When we are out of balance between our feminine and masculine sides, Idealization can be amplified by fanaticism, heartlessness, or rejection. This is why terrorists are mainly caught in Idealization, with some Subjectification and Objectification. We confirm these distortions are occurring when we act indignant, disparage others or avoid anxiety by making certain conversations taboo or off limits. The more we experience these distortions, and cannot see or own them, the more likely we are operating in an Idealized way where we are not able to grow or respond to others as they are.
Idealization is the projection of our good ideas on others (including unexpressed Feelings and Emotions), believing they should live up to our possibilities. In an effort to avoid self-denied ideals, we distract ourselves from our despair, doubt and pain by placing our focus upon others. Our fixation on how others do things easily turns into blame when they do not do it to our standards. This is particularly common if we have been trained that selfishness is bad. We attempt to be â€˜goodâ€™ to others (while denying our own badness). The opposite is also true, where in the search for authentic expression, we get up in Personality Self Rejection and use our â€˜badnessâ€™ to criticize how others are trying to be â€˜Goodâ€™. It is the inability to incorporate our Goodness and badness together that precipitates Idealization shifts (from one extreme to the other). Most individuals experience indecisiveness and doubt and constantly re-evaluate if they want something (or not). Idealization is, hence, an attachment to fixed external solutions that typically offset previously painful experiences. Our reactions keep shifting our point of view, and make us more likely to act out our imbalances. For example, individuals who go through disappointments regarding their relationships tend to protect themselves by increasingly demanding that others live up to a certain set of Idealized reflections.
This shows up as a need for our partners to believe that the relationship will work better than in previous times. In our pursuit of making things better, we do not see how our demands set us up for ultimate failure. Whenever we Idealize, we inherently believe that the goodness of others will make the relationship work and are often disappointed when (the circumstances) do not live up to our expectations. This displacement of our Feelings and Emotions on others means we do not have to be responsible for the outcome. This is because we invest in others being the solution rather than creating a mutual solution. This keeps us from having to tell our Truth about our pain and we can always blame others when something does not work out. The problem with Idealization is that it sabotages our interactions through mixed or non-aligned motivations. When we are not willing to take responsibility for our weaknesses or failings, we end up investing more of our energy in unconsciously wanting others to fail to justify our own past difficulties. Mutual failure is often the result.
Idealization is a Projection of good on the world. Unfortunately, we do not see that it is disconnected from our natural Goodness. When we Idealize, we imagine we are in a perfect world and are seeking to fix the outer world that is broken. It is closer to the truth to realize that the outer world is in a perfect state of evolution and, when we Idealize, we are creating the evil within us. Not only this but the judgments we hold are sabotaging our own good intentions. The evil is the belief we are separate. When we believe we are separate, we automatically project our safety and security issues on others. If we feel we need to protect people from themselves, we try to impose our own beliefs about what they should be doing, which of course, they resist. Whenever we believe we need to direct others to keep them from making mistakes, again, we feel justified imposing our reality on them, which creates repulsion. Any projection of goals on the outer world, without being inclusive and energetically present, is an Idealization.
Healing Our Experiential Modalities
Imbalances between Sensations/Feelings and Emotions/Thoughts show up externally as Anxiety. The projection of Anxiety occurs when we have not yet integrated our body and mind. The greater our anxiety, the more we expect that someone external to us should provide reassurance. In fact, the function of Idealized relationships is to handle anxiety and to recognize our greatness when we cannot experience it for ourselves. This shows up as reassurance behaviors, where partners confirm we are okay or that they know a way to make sure we are okay. The more our partner does not reflect our Excitement or Intensity, the greater our Anxiety. To our personality (a survival and success mechanism), the lack of Excitement or Intensity directly translates into having no leverage. When one partner is in a state of greater Excitement, it means the other needs to be in a state of greater Intensity. Unless each (person) has a counterbalancing need for the other, the Anxiety becomes increasingly out of control and creates a state of repulsion that makes it difficult (if not impossible) to stay together. Another way to describe this is to the degree we are not present in our mind/body integration process, the more we need different forms of conditional love to offset our Anxiety.
We use Feelings to make our Body Sensations real and meaningful. Sensations clarify where we are in the manifestation of our Intent and locate us in our Body (via a self-reflective loop). If we only have Thoughts without Emotions, we have no true experience of what is meaningful or useful. This is because there is no way to connect our Thoughts together so they can become powerful manifestations in our life. When we connect Feeling and Emotions, we automatically build self-awareness. For example, the more we affirm our Feelings, the greater our capacity to reflect upon our potential and trust the future. The more we honor our Emotions, the more we appreciate and esteem our capacity to make a difference in the world. Emotions, as the word suggests, are energy in motion. When Feelings become disconnected from Emotions and we have not integrated our Sensations, we feel like victims of our reality and are unable to change anything for the better.
When Emotions are disconnected from Feelings (we have not integrated our Thoughts), we feel insecure and unable to predict our future (which greatly concerns us). This reflects that we have become isolated and cannot see that the Universe is supporting us (to the degree we allow it). We get caught up trying to manage and control time as a way to reassure ourselves we have choices and are not victims of circumstance. In this, we can observe the underpinnings of our Defensive reality. We superficially over-do our feelings of being a victim as a way to hide our power, or we hide our insecurities behind the appearance of being in control. The real cost of not being able to distinguish Feelings from Emotions is that we cannot own what we internally desire in a way that can be acted upon without entangling others.
The more we integrate our Feelings and Emotions, the less likely we will get re-traumatized by the pain of others. The more fragmented we are in our Feelings and Emotions, the more openings we have where others can stimulate us into reaction states. Most difficult to deal with is that, when we are reactive, these states tend to polarize us and generate tremendous confusion. Each aspect is trying to protect us in its own way from the particular danger it represents. This creates a space-shifted reality where we continually jump from one issue to another. Idealization further compounds this confusion by trying to lump all the issues together without understanding what is actually occurring. An indication of space shifting is when we constantly seek advice from others that we do not follow. Healing this confusion means owning that we have a larger and more inclusive way of being that listens to all of our aspects and integrates them accordingly. We heal ourselves as we bring the disparate voices into unity.
The dilemma is we constantly try to live up to the Ideal of who we should be and discount ourselves when we are not. While this can be a level of great aspiration, most of it gets strangled in the limitations we place on how our aspirations are expressed. Most of our experience is framed by how different it is from our past experience of some other personâ€™s experience. Attractions are, therefore, framed in terms of doing something different from the past when we had a hard time accepting what was so. Instead of focusing on a spiritual impression (about a better future), it is useful to ground ourselves in terms of our physical Sensations in this moment. This is why being present with ourselves is such a gift. Instead of getting lost in mystical visions that satisfy our egoic self-importance, let us create a simple practical plan for expressing our deeper truth. The most profound truths begin where we are and are weakened when we scatter our energies. Let the voice of conscience become a unifying resonator that attracts those who are able to reflect and be with us as we are. The degree to which we can love ourselves for our Authentic Creative Nature is the same degree we will be able to fully articulate how our past no longer needs to limit or define our future. This is how to create a naturally larger Context.
The problem is that we frequently attract individuals with opposite Idealization issues, which would be someone who is either Feeling or Emotionally dominant. Emotions are energetic states that maintain a sense of security by being consistent and controllable. Feeling-dominant individuals may express themselves eloquently and upstage an emotionally dominant individual, but eventually the emotionally dominant individual returns to their previous stability. Emotionally dominant individuals limit the range of emotions they utilize and always redirect othersâ€™ feelings into some sort of a long term outcome. Both justify their actions based on possessing â€˜more goodnessâ€™ than the other. What we do not recognize is that there is inherent self-denial in what we repress within ourselves, which automatically sabotages greater motivations. In other words, we let our personality desires and fears shape our perspective so we can no longer see where things are not working (because of the distortions). Both expressions have a fixation on outer Goodness (projected as an Idealized feeling or emotional state), which prevents us from seeing how our Goodness is corrupted. Until we become transparent in our Motives, this blindness continues to show up as a resistance to actual Goodness.
Idealization occurs when Emotions and/or Feelings cannot effectively work together or co-exist. It means we use one to dominate the other. If we are stronger in our Feelings, we unconsciously negate the reality of others and believe they should compromise themselves to serve us or our feelings. Of course, when we Idealize our feelings and spend time trying to convey them to others, they should immediately adopt our Feelings because our intention is so much better or higher than theirs. This â€˜needâ€™ to differentiate ourselves is at first helpful in our growth process, but ultimately, we need to operate in a unified manner, where all distinctions can coexist together. The Intent and Content have to become part of our Context. When Idealized, we cannot see how unrealistic and unbalanced our perceptions are. We falsely believe we can project our motivations on others and they should respond. We believe our Goodness is obvious and it should bring about a desired outcome. This is why Spacious Presence, where we integrate our Feelings and Emotions, becomes the anchor experience for being â€˜in the momentâ€™.
We lose ourselves in Idealization when we use Feelings to trump our Emotions and vice versa. Feelings reflect body Sensations in the moment and help us affirm our Life Energy. Emotions empower our Thinking and help us embody our Light or Wisdom Energy. Goodness helps us bring together our Light and Life energies so Love can emerge. This self-Loving process (where Feelings and Emotions come together and find common expression) naturally develops Intuition. The more we affirm our own Goodness, the more we naturally attract those who have embodied their own Goodness. Conversely, the more we Idealize people or projects, the more frustrated and exhausted we become with those who Idealize themselves and others. An obvious example of this is how we sabotage ourselves and others around us in the pursuit of being superior or more spiritual. We conclude that our world becomes less difficult the more we affirm and acknowledge our Idealization lessons. This opportunity is an invitation to engage the disowned Feelings and Emotions that distort and confuse our true Motivation.
The more conscious we become, the more we see that there are parts of us we affirm and those we dis-affirm (without realizing it). Whenever we exceed our capacity to comprehend the current situation, we create internal dissonance or discomfort that limits our ability to respond (called Upper Boundary Limits). Instead of reacting to the fear of going beyond our self (setting upper boundary limits), let us practice breaking down pre-established boundaries and learn to appreciate the discomfort we are feeling. Connecting the disparate pieces forces us to be more complete (sometimes perceived as more abstract) and accepts responsibility for the Context in which we find ourselves. The benefit of accepting our discomfort is it gives us a practice that can deepen and develop us so we can respond more fully over time. It is also valuable to question whether the pursuit of comfort and satisfaction (an unattainable personality goal) has really gotten us where we think we should be. This realization helps us to recover an internal choice to grow (so it is not outside our reach). It helps us by using dissatisfaction as an impetus to make a transition to a creative way of being (transcending our personality). We are encouraged (or unconsciously forced by some) to consider the meaning of our lives when we go beyond self-perceived limits. This reflects a desire to liveâ€”not merely existâ€”and illustrates the frustration with how we sabotage ourselves and wish to shift or change this reality.