What Is Our History Of Love?
It is time now to recognize what we have learned about how we love others. It is also appropriate to see how our culture reflects, distorts and denies unconditional love.
How have we gotten caught up in the confusion of love and sex? Do we need an external energetic connection to offset our internal disconnection? Where are we in transmuting Excitement into Aliveness? This problem is rampant when we are unconscious of our Being; we get lost in self-identification as an object that must be marketed to procreate. Historically, we have thought of love in erotic terms, such as amour, where we are entranced by the physical beauty of another, and need them to feel physically connected to us. The difficulty is, we end up losing ourselves in either our Sensations or Feelings, while our partner offers what we are not able to acknowledge in ourselves. Since true Beauty requires both Sensations and Feelings to be fulfilling, we are always left unsatisfied and wanting more.
How have we confused love and commitment? We hear this in the concept that making a commitment will Transform our experience of love. We have all experienced the pressure to conform to the expectations of others. On a personal or cultural level we initially learn to go along to get along. Where are we in seeking Adoration or Admiration from others, rather than being a person we could and would want to love? We also accept, to some degree, the cultural reality that actions speak louder than words. Ironically, the further we are distanced from our creativity, the more the resulting isolation and loneliness drive us to seek out partners who become dependent upon us. Our own independence pushes us to experience dependence. We grow through embracing this struggle. Unfortunately, many are not ready, and end up learning (through pain) that love is not the only criteria for choosing a partner. Erotic longing (from self denial), and the â€˜need to settle downâ€™ become substitutes for empowered choices about our natural ability to create together. The more we seek an easy, secure way to get by, the greater the compromise or pain we experience. This reality drives us to look more deeply within and (usually) choose better partners each time.
Why do we confuse love with common Fears and Desires? Love, through the ages, has been both desired and feared, for the fleeting positive effect (during the honeymoon period) and apparent negative impact it has later on in life. Historically, we sought agape from our partners, where we were the center of attention for the one-way giving of love from our partner. This desire reflects an internalization of the Idealized parent model of love as agape. The problem is that this model places the full burden of love on our partner to treat us as we want to be treated. It takes time to even recognize our part in not making it work. Where are we in recognizing that personal selfishness (where we learn to take care of ourselves) needs to be balanced against our transpersonal desire to contribute (where we serve others)? We need to be internally balanced and autonomous, not losing ourselves in external, co-dependent attempts to fix perceived imbalances.
Three Levels and Types of Personality Love
The structures of personality love are not completely off-base. Each contains an element of truth that is experienced as a real need. The problem is that when we do not own our own creativity we lose perspective and become over identified with the need. This is what enables us to confuse sex and commitment and how our partner sees us as love instead of owning the ability to fulfill this need within. The type of love we seek reflects the creative self-denial we have accepted to survive. There are two dimensions of this denial 1) masculine, feminine and both combined; and 2) Instinctive, Intellectual and Idealized distortions. Radiant, Self Unifying Love is manifested when we honor our inner Aliveness (masculine), Wisdom (feminine) and Awareness (combined masculine and feminine) to express our creative spirit. It clears the imbalances of personality love.
All personality forms of love (Attachments, Positions and Projections) are self victimizing. The more we are afraid to live, the greater our attachments to what makes us seem safe. The more we operate with the belief that knowledge is the lever of power over others, the more we get blinded by what we think we know. The more we deny our own creative nature, the more we falsely believe we need others to compensate for our lack of ability. These inner fears create confusion about personal and relationship boundaries, which entangles and strangles the creative possibilities in the relationship.
Can we identify the Attachments, Positions and Projections that have compromised past and present relationships? Are we willing to question the ignorance of our unconscious habits and deal with our illusions (not realizing that we need to continually re-create the experience of our truth each moment)?
Can we release the need to reinforce our feeling and emotional wellbeing by possessing â€˜thingsâ€™ in an attempt to provide greater personal comfort? The more we fall into limited expressions of love, the more we attract partners with opposite personality patterns who manifest as the most ideally frustrating relationships we can experience. Happiness can only be found when we use our creativity to manifest Beauty, Truth and Goodness in life.
It is also ironic that we idealize agape as the highest form of love, when in fact, unless two people have the same Compatibility Factors, it is difficult to consciously love and be loved at the same time. This is due to the differences in how we love ourselves and our partner loves us (or vice versa). Many of us caught up in this personality form of love recognize this because we never seem to be able to teach our partner how we want to be loved. They do not understand what we need. Most individuals, without training and great Self awareness, cannot hold this possibility because it requires embracing our co-creative transpersonal nature and/or consistently maintaining a Common Neutral Ground with others. Otherwise, our own unconscious self-denial creates projections where others feel attacked. Our Attachments, Positions and Projections are what throw us off-balance.
We vacillate between providing and wanting support, which becomes difficult when our partners need something we cannot provide (or vice versa). The more we are unconscious and unable to hold an independent space for the relationship, the more difficult it is to take care of ourselves and our partners simultaneously. As a result, we end up seeking philos, or a brotherly love, which is an intellectual and idealized two-way giving of love, by equals, to try to address the sense of disconnection. The problem with philos is that while it allows the experience of great companionship, it usually lacks Eros or amour, which again increases our dissatisfaction. This further leads to confusion with projecting expectations of parental love on our partner, and realizing our experience of love is not fulfilling our need for equality. Without good role models for Radiant Self-Unifying Love, love continues to be associated with fulfilling the needs of others.
Radiant Self Unifying Love begins with loving our Self, which can counteract Quid Pro Quo, Directive and Protective forms of love. The more we love ourselves, the less we are defined in terms of conditional forms of love. Our internal experience is thus not directly affected by how others treat us. In other words, we can separate the experience of loving ourselves and loving others from needing them to respond the way we wish. Of course, it may seem safer or more secure to have a partner who is in a state of Radiant Self Unifying Love, because we know they would do whatever was needed in the situation to serve us. The problem is that the more we get locked into conditional forms of love, the more we require others to match, respect and abrogate their own personality reactions to demonstrate their love to us. All conditional forms of love are outside-in attempts to seduce, cajole and manipulate our partners to be what we want them to be.
The more we recognize that conditional forms of love reflect our own insecurity, and thus we do them and receive them when we are identified with personality fears and desires, the more we see how they are transitory. This is why the more we get caught up in conditional forms of love, the more likely we will question our love of them and theirs for us. The downside is that when we define love in terms of our behaviors, it somehow undermines the pure experience of what love could be. The more we are sucked into defining love in terms of personality reactions, rather than a response from our creative nature, the less likely we will be able to show up with our partner in any consistent way. Of course, the way we learn to uplift our love is to go through and see the downside of conditional forms of love. Therefore, this material is not only to highlight the downside of conditional love, but to demonstrate the value of Transfiguring this Love into unconditional forms of connection.